F.C. Locomotive
Brought to you by a Tactical Genius
Splinter From The Subs Bench
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH
22/06/08
With the approach of yet another fun packed season I have decided to share with you the rules of my household so you too can enjoy the footie like it should be enjoyed. The following should be considered the Extremely important 10 commandments for wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters and daughters. 1. From 9th August to 1st June, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints and all shopping trips will be cancelled for a month. 2. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting in the beers, I don't mind, as long as you crawl along the floor. 3. During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you get the flavour of the football season 4. During the games I will be blinkered to match. You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, it wont happen. 5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 four packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day. 6. Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because my team is losing, DO NOT say ' get over it, its only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called ' words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce. 7. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times. 8. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house or the pub on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash. 9. You are welcome to sit with me to watch the game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. The daily football highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even say ' but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch? 10. And finally, please save your expressions such as: 'Thank God the European cup/world cup is only every 4 years'. I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League.
I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go.
Thank you for your co-operation…..now sod off to kitchen and get me a tinnie!!!
21/06/08
As a new season approaches it is now the right time to look back at the previous season and the following observations spring to mind:
When Andy Marshall joined the management team he said “ I don't know the meaning of the word lose.”
Neil Castle was heard to reply “There are lots of words you don't know the meaning of - taste, decency, a good punch!"
Neil Castle often used his note book of tactics and plans to try and improve the team, it is not a book to be tossed aside lightly……it should be thrown away with great force
As Jono Lister got changed for the match the thought that went round the changing room was…. I didn't know they could find that much Lycra.
During the match Andy Brown tried to explain his football ideals to Rick Lister, as Andy shouted to Rick I have 3 words for you, control, pass, move….Rick replied I have 3 words for you….. Calorie Controlled Diet
Mark Howlett whose head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants James Stolworthy is there no beginning to his talent Chaos, panic and disorder just 3 of the qualities Graham Hurst brings to the defence And so to the summer news:
Castle's wedding plans are in chaos .......Splinter can exclusively reveal that the wedding plans for our manager has been thrown into turmoil by Helen, his betrothed refusing to spend her hoonymoon in North Wales ....she overheard Cas stating he was going to Bang her for a fortnight.
Andy Marshall is at this moment in time competing in the you tube happy slapping world championship.
Neil Wood has been spotted doing some summer classes in line dancing ..... It is the only place his side step doesnt look out of place and old fashioned.
Security at Locos pre-season training camp has been relaxed after confirmation that Pete Cowan will not be attending.
All memebers of the FC Loco staff are urged not to venture north of the Humber in middle August due to the danger of a major explosion............... It will actually be the bubble bursting...
14/06/08 Rumours have already started circulating the FC Locomotive message board over the management structure and behind the scenes it is becoming increasingly apparent that all is not well with the ranks of the club. With the departure of Castle’s ‘Number 2’ after the atrocities of the end of season riot at Bradley Pitches, Castle is currently debating where the future of the club lies and how he going to replicate the success of last season without the services of his ‘great number two’. It has been rumoured, that Castle who has recently left for Alcudia is actually spending the holiday months in the resorts of Switzerland and Austria, taking on a Summer Job as an advisor to no other than Holland’s Marco Van Basten. Castle Strutting his stuff in the Euro's??!! “After a short discussion with Castle and just days before the tournament I controversially decided to ditch the beloved 4-3-3 that has defined Dutch football for years, in favour of an alternative 4-2-3-1 style aimed at maximizing his attacking weapons and which was seen to work so formidably for Loco”. Van Basten has also admitted himself that there were times in the lead-up to Euro 2008 that he was second-guessing his choices and without the help of such a tactical genius he would have considered reverting back to the traditional formation. Now, with his team the bookies’ favorites and the darlings of the tournament following two spectacular victories, Castle and Van Basten have made it seem almost too easy. Further speculation from behind the scenes has come from Ben ‘Rick Astley’ Taylor, who has been touted as taking the vacant number 2 slot. This, he was heard saying has come from his career in the music world has become more of a part-time career since establishing himself as Loco’s 1st choice Centre Half and potential new tactical genius. In other news a domestic dispute between the Scunthorpe pair Mark Howlett and Jamie Goldsmith, resulted in the Police being called to rescue a young boy, who cannot be named for legal reasons. Howlett was believed to have said “The boy. aged 5, who he had been playing against on the local school field, was ‘Outstanding!’ and ‘Not like the normal S**T we play against every Sunday!’” Unfortunately it seems scenes turned sour for the sCUNThorpe lads, resulting in the both ball and goal-keeper being taken hostage. Finally in this week’s news, despite the recent success of the Presentation Evening it has been officially decided to move it to a new venue, highly suitable for the railway men of the team. After the short speech from ‘Sir’ Dave Boylen, the amount of trophies presentated and the large numbers of attendees, it was felt that McMenemy’s was no longer suitable. We hope you will all attend after another season of success?! 