F.C. Locomotive
Brought to you by a Tactical Genius
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH
17/12/07
In the run up to Christmas like many great men and managers, our manager was approached to write his autobiography in time for the Christmas market , Neil declined politely stating he would not have time as he was constantly thinking up new revolutionary tactics , when it was suggested he employed a ghost writer Neil was heard to say the only spirits he entertains are served in doubles with ice and lemonade
Jono Lister, ……...Stay sober just once on a Saturday night
John Hill, …. Catch a cross
Graham Hurst,…… Give some constructive criticism politely and calmly
Keith Castle, ……Be nice to a ref
Adi Dent,….. Finish reading that Janet and John book
Jamie Hynes,…Not to eat all the buffet at new years eve party
John Hill, ….Catch a shot
James Stolworthy …….Stay retired….. please for the sake of the team!
Gordon Mckay,....... Stand up to wife for once ……on second thoughts
Neil Castle,……… Admit the part his brother has played in his success…..pete that is
John Hill, ….Catch a header
Matt Goldie,....... Crack a funny joke for once
Jamie Goldie, ......Finally manage to put on enough weight to become Locos biggest player ….........nearly there.
Steve Baker, …..Find that lost yard of pace …. Start by looking under bed , in the shed etc
Colin Clarke, …Turn up for another match
John Hill, ….Catch a bus
Ben Taylor ........ Resurrect career as Rick“never going to give you up“Astley
Mark Howlett…….pass the ball and chase a bad ball without gestulating with arms
Mickey Bellis……..finally manage to wear more strappings than the legend in strappings that was Stolly
John Hill, …. catch anything…anything at all…… other than a S.T.D
Neil Wood ……come out the closet ….and admit he is Splinter
George Bennett…..greene bog tent
Dave Brown …. Brave Down
Andy Brown ….. Brawny Don
Ben Taylor…. …..Rental Boy
Ben “Rick Astley”
Splinter has been given an exclusive copy!!! of our illustrious managers letter to Santa
Dear Santa
I know at this time of year it is customary to ask for list of toys and such like for my own pleasure (like the butt plug I got last year) , but what I would like to do is the equivalent of a beauty pageants “I would like world peace” and ask for some gifts to be cascaded onto the poor souls that have suffered the excruciating pain of coming to terms with my revolutionary tactics and I want none of this letter to be about me .
Firstly Aidy Dent what a guy , nicest simplest man in the team I have such a wish list for this man he will keep reappearing , but firstly could you please stop him coming to each match with a pocket full of mints, as I have tried to explain to him it is tactics I deal in not tic tacs.
My brother Keith how I have grown up admiring him, wishing to be like him, I even gained weight as I modelled myself on him only to find I didn’t quite carry it like him,( but remember none of this letter is about me )….. for him I would like some humility, just once I would like him to say to me well done bro, all my life in his shadow, he always got the biggest dinner , he always got the new clothes while I had his hand me downs, he was always the better player, and he is always the first choice of captain over me ,….well I have beat him to becoming manager and I am now winning…and it is not just because he has moved to defence and shoring us up so please just once get him to say I am proud of you Bro .
My best mate Woody what can you give a person who has it all (besides a cheap divorce and some penicillin ) again a person I have admired always the better drinker than me, always the more prolific person with the women than me but I have more hair than him ( but remember none of this letter is about me )….. so he does deserve something and I think what he would like is another trick his old side step is becoming predictable so give him something exciting like a flick or a step over
Aidy Dent what that guy needs is to think as fast as he runs, he is better looking than me with a better body but I don’t hold that against him(remember none of this letter is about me )….., please double his brain cell capacity so he can remember to breath and walk at the same time , and eventually I am hoping he will progress to reading his books without moving his lips
Steve Baker what a nice man , better at the union stuff than me , scored more goals than me and is better endowed than me, but the lad has suffered in recent years and I am not sure if I am the only one who has noticed (and it is not because I cant take my eyes off his endowment and remember none of this letter is about me )….. but the lad has no under wackers , so please could you get him some Calvin Klein boxers, I do like the shape Calvins give a lunch box
Ben Taylor my new signing , better player than me , taller than me and looks like a pop star , all I ever looked like was john parrot , and who wants to look like a fat greying bloke who plays with his own cue all day so for Ben could you please put Rick Astley into ” I‘m a Celebrity “ so he can resurrect his look-a-like career.
Graham Hurst …what a guy fitter than me , more drive than me , more natural ability than me , even when he tried his hand at golf he was better than me( but remember none of this letter is about me )….. , what I would like you to give him is a soft side …so when I have to tell him off or substitute him I am not scared of him,
Jono Lister ….can run more than me , can drink more than me can get more blathered on a Saturday night than me and still look better than me on a Sunday morning
( but remember none of this letter is about me )….. what I would like you to give him is Deep Heat, tins and tins of Deep Heat , he is the only one to bring it every week , I am not sure weather he needs it sniffs it or uses it to disguise the stench of stale ale.
Mark Howlett…. I like Mark, mainly because I feel superior to him, I support a better football team , I have never been beaten up by my girlfriend and I can drive a car ( but as I said none of this letter is about me )…..for Mark I think the perfect gift should the shot of Peter Lorimar , the heading ability of Bob Latchford , the poacher instinct of Gary Lineker ….in fact just turn him into a another player
John Hill……now here is a guy that but for a cruel twist of fate could have made it big, instantly recognisable around the bustling town that is Immingham every male of a certain age knows he is probably the best keeper Immingham has ever produced he can stop a shot and organise a defence like no other …the cruel twist of fate ….he cant kick for toffee and can catch about as well as a girl….for John give him the clearance and distribution technique of a Wimbledon defender from the early 90’s and some glue for his gloves , just so for once he can catch a ball.
Jamie Goldie,,,,again one of the few players that I feel superior to, for a start he has some Scottish blood in him, and he supports Scunthorpe , the present I request for him is some ultra thick rose coloured glasses, because this poor boy has to see what he will become by watching Matt perform every week, give him the glasses and let him for a short time believe he will grow old gracefully.
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH
13/12/2007
News just in - A FC Loco player has been hired by Bernard Mathews, he is being sent wandering the fields of Norfolk and Suffolk in an attempt to show that the countryside is safe and there is no danger from bird flu and that our Xmas turkeys are edible.....of course we all know it is a con when was the last time John Hill caught anything.
Recent weeks stating the bleeding obvious quotes are
Dan Lammin ....'we have to score more goals than them'
Nick McGougan to Graham Hurst ....'you have an attitude problem'
Mark Howlett 'when was the last time you saw a striker square it in the six yard box'.....this of course less than 12 hours after 4.5million scots had implored J Mcffaden to just that at Hampden Park ....of course Mark knows better he is a Scunthorpe fan.....
Castles go soft
After Neil was heard saying after the match against Waltham "thanks darl" to a bar MAN, Keith admitted he is developing deep feelings for his fellow defender G Hurst, his actual quote was ...."do you know Graham talked to me more out on the pitch today than my wife has in the last 14 years .... I feel so close to him now" ... Keith also showed an unhealthy admiration for one of his fellow players when he stated out loud in the changing room ....."have you noticed how our upturn in results has been since we have started using our new John Morton...what he is using John for is unclear....of course still being in the closet Keith never used Johns name outright he used his nickname our new Socks....
Splinter can exclusively reveal that after missing out on the 80's Northern Soul music and being too young for skin heads and rockers , not having the bike for the Mods , not quite being trendy enough for Garage and House and only wearing the make up of the New Romantics in the saftey of his own house, Jamie Hynes after hearing of it's crisis and impending collapse has not been to mexico the last fortnight he has actually been touring the night clubs of England in a desperate bid to experiance the Northern Rock scene.
Loco midfield star Adi Dent has announced that he is to follow in Jaap Stam's and Roy Keane's footsteps by bringing out a tell-it-all autobiography about his life to date.
Well at least we won't have any trouble guessing which bits he didn't actually write - all words with two syllables...
Cromwell 2nds and Watham are in a fight to sign Loco striker Phil Patton. The loser gets him...
The ECGS Manager says Loco won their recent League clash by playing "ugly and dirty". Or as we know them : Jono & Keith.
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH13/11/2007
FC LOCOMOTIVE have insisted that after the embarrassing revelations that i have disclosed, they are very close to catching the mole. Unfortunately, they’ve chosen John Hill to do it.LOCO defender Dan Lammin has said he would ‘jump at the chance’ to join Grimsby Warriors. Although, as with most of Dan`s ‘jumps’, there hasn’t been any contact.
Stand-In goalkeeper Neil Castle is to launch a new campaign promoting Sperm Banks. A spokesman said, “He doesn’t have to be the only one who gets paid for letting multiple shots slip through his fingers.”
Council officials are said to be alarmed and surprised by the mindless idiots that ran on to the pitch at Roval Drive on Sunday. A spokesperson said: "we thought Loco would play better than that."
Grange Crowland have admitted that they tried to sign Keith Castle after he declared that he still had 'a huge appetite for the game'. Unfortunately, the game happens to be Pheasant, Rabbit and Deer - grilled, roasted or pied.
Locomotive manager takes a bite out of Aberdeen
No this is not a headline from the mid week UEFA cup match between Aberdeen and Lokomotive Moscow it was a report on N Castle once again visiting an Aberdeen Angus steak house and devouring the 32 ounce special in 2 mouthfuls
After the revelation of the player initials last time out further investigation has shown some players name make interesting anagrams.......
Which part of the anatomy could be referred to for Aidy Dent when he turns into Dead Tiny
And Darren Cousins is perfectly summing up the later stages of his career when he morphs into Considers a run
And why should there be any surprise to find Neil Castle is transformed to Ale Clients and with his fellow passenger driver Richard Stothard being A Hard Cord thirst
Jono Lister shows a darker side becoming Role Joints and he is joined in world of drugs by Neil Harvey Wood becoming Heroin Delay Vow tho Neil also could be a Holy Wino Evader
Keith Castle shows his competitive spirit when the shuffling of his name just proves his mentality to the opposition He Tackles It
Phil Patton shows his need to educate when he becomes Laptop Hint
Paul Codd luckily becomes A dud clop ????
And Graham Hurst proved this weekend he has the tendency to be a Rash Arm Thug
You wouldn’t want to go to war with James Stolworthy but it wouldn’t be a surprise to find he is Thy Slowest Major
There is not a lot that can be said about Lame Dog Tit… sorry that should read Matt Goldie
More names are being picked to pieces as this goes to print
A Couple of the great football quotes of our age have suddenly been reattributed to Loco staff................
Our new number 2 Andy Marshall showed his skills at half time talks and after match quotes this week when he was heard to say
"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
While Jono laid claim to another great quote
"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
While Aidy Dent showed his wisdom for the game while discussing watching match of the day
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH11/10/2007
Two weeks ago it was thought a managerial conspiracy been uncovered in the heart of the loco defence, in an effort to make himself loved and wanted our esteemed manager had started to line up his next role after he is ousted from the managers post, so desperate was he to get out of the house on a Sunday morning so Helen can not call on him to perform his manly duties that he had been prepared to sacrifice locos results .
Neil had his eye on the goal keepers jersey as a permanent position and to strengthen his claim he cunningly put in goal 3 weeks ago the sacrificial lamb “one L” then picked himself in the centre of defence where he proceeded to wave the attacking forwards thro like a traffic cop leaving the keeper no alternative but to dive about trying vainly to prevent a landslide of goals, It was only after Castle was placed back in goal that the back 4 became a defence so highlighting how easy Castle had had made it for the opposition …..Not content with this he then teamed up with one of his famous bluey eyed boys and drinking partner Dan to arrange a 200% increase in own goals scored once the regular John “over the” Hill had returned ,….Neil was even spotted trying to start a BBC chant on the sideline (Bring Back Castle )
Neil Castle is not the only player running scared for his place in the team, seems Jono Lister is feeling the pressure of the influx of new signings ……it seems Jono is that keen to keep his place he is even trying to bribe and distract players from turning up on a Sunday in a hope of keeping his place, last Sunday he was spotted passing on a carrier bag full of golf balls to utility man Stolly to try and prevent come back.
Our forward is KAC , deep under cover investigation has revealed that our centre forward has a full name of Keith Albert Castle giving the initials KAC …..this lead to further investigations to see which other parents knew what their children would turn out like when naming their offspring 40 odd years ago ……….did the Lammin’s get it spot on when naming
Dan Isaac Michael Peter Eric Lammin ,
Was our other forwards association with the union written in the stars when christened
Steve Chris Alan Baker,
Was Paul Robert Ian Codd always destined to take up the refs whistle
A losing relegated manager was always on the cards for one called Matt Unwin Goldie,
Is our teacher Phil Ivor Martin Patton thinking of branching out to our forms of school girl control
New signing Colin Oscar Clark has always wished his parents thought more carefully about his initials
And is he just a distant relation to Daz Ian Cousin and was
Simon Ivan Nigel Edward Plumpton’s parents looking in the mirror when naming their pride and joy.
Neil Castle oversees first clean sheet of the season….this is mainly due to Helen tying boxing gloves to his hand when he goes to bed and a ban on drinking £80 bottles of champagne on top of a belly full of beer(and it is one big belly) …..hopefully if this keeps up Helens laundry bills will see a marked reduction.
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH11/10/2007
Two weeks ago it was thought a managerial conspiracy been uncovered in the heart of the loco defence, in an effort to make himself loved and wanted our esteemed manager had started to line up his next role after he is ousted from the managers post, so desperate was he to get out of the house on a Sunday morning so Helen can not call on him to perform his manly duties that he had been prepared to sacrifice locos results .
Neil had his eye on the goal keepers jersey as a permanent position and to strengthen his claim he cunningly put in goal 3 weeks ago the sacrificial lamb “one L” then picked himself in the centre of defence where he proceeded to wave the attacking forwards thro like a traffic cop leaving the keeper no alternative but to dive about trying vainly to prevent a landslide of goals, It was only after Castle was placed back in goal that the back 4 became a defence so highlighting how easy Castle had had made it for the opposition …..Not content with this he then teamed up with one of his famous bluey eyed boys and drinking partner Dan to arrange a 200% increase in own goals scored once the regular John “over the” Hill had returned ,….Neil was even spotted trying to start a BBC chant on the sideline (Bring Back Castle )
Neil Castle is not the only player running scared for his place in the team, seems Jono Lister is feeling the pressure of the influx of new signings ……it seems Jono is that keen to keep his place he is even trying to bribe and distract players from turning up on a Sunday in a hope of keeping his place, last Sunday he was spotted passing on a carrier bag full of golf balls to utility man Stolly to try and prevent come back
Our forward is KAC , deep under cover investigation has revealed that our centre forward has a full name of Keith Albert Castle giving the initials KAC …..this lead to further investigations to see which other parents knew what their children would turn out like when naming their offspring 40 odd years ago ……….did the Lamming’s get it spot on when naming
Dan Isaac Michael Peter Eric Lamming ,
Was our other forwards association with the union written in the stars when christened
Steve Chris Alan Baker,
Was Paul Robert Ian Codd always destined to take up the refs whistle
A losing relegated manager was always on the cards for one called Matt Unwin Goldie,
Is our teacher Phil Ivor Martin Patton thinking of branching out to our forms of school girl control
New signing Colin Oscar Clark has always wished his parents thought more carefully about his initials
And is he just a distant relation to Daz Ian Cousin and was
Simon Ivan Nigel Edward Plumpton’s parents looking in the mirror when naming their pride and joy
Neil Castle oversees first clean sheet of the season….this is mainly due to Helen tying boxing gloves to his hand when he goes to bed and a ban on drinking £80 bottles of champagne on top of a belly full of beer(and it is one big belly) …..hopefully if this keeps up Helens laundry bills will see a marked reduction
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH20/9/2007
Aidy dent is campaigning to join in the Bro Idol competition on the argument that why should it be limited to brothers , 2 family members should be able to form a team , the confusion to Aidy’s other family member arose due to he always had the team sheet read out to him as such…..Castle Neil ….Lammin Dan etc so he thought daz really was his cousin.
Gordon McKay has announced that if the proposed move to Blossom Way did come to fruition next season he would postpone his retirement for a season so he could grace such a lovely playing service.
Following the revelation talent scouts have been swarming all over loco looking to place Neil Castle into a sequel of dodgeball it is now being rumoured the following players are being screen tested for the following remakes:-
Aidy Dent and Daz Cousins ……dumb and dumber
Keith Castle …..mrs doubtfire
Neil Wood…… pee wee’s great adventure
Richard and Jono Lister ……..the brothers grim
Dan …..Silence of the Lammin
Richard Stothard…..Boys from the Brazilian
Phil Patton…..yes sir
Lee Shotbolt & Jamie Hynes……..broke back mountain
Gordon McKay……………whiskey galore
John ….. Notting Hill
Steve baker ….carry on striking
James Stolworthy….waterboy
Graham Hurst …..mean machine
Paul Codd….in the line of fire
Splinter today discovers “one L's” retirement is all a smoke screen to prevent a high level investigation into one L becoming public knowledge. Local constabulary have for some time suspected one L of being a Paddophile (a Paddophile is some one who blatantly misuses and abuses paddings and strappings).
One L has been under surveillance which has provided evidence of the use of strappings away from the football pitch, the use off strappings as a fashion accessory ....the poor traumatised strappings where heard to say when interviewed 'I could have been something important like Petr Cechs helmet' other quotes included ....I was in line to be Jonny Wilkinson’s shoulder strapping until He (one L) stole my chance.
One L's computer was seized by the constabulary and this confirmed illicit sites such as
Almost legal strappings .com
strappings for fun.co.uk
which joints to strap.org have been visited on a regular basis.
The investigation has been extend to other members of the team after John 'over the' Hill was heard to express an interest in one L's little black number ...the one with Velcro he wore on his right knee....and fears of a paddophile ring are growing after it was discovered one L's original strapping was passed on to him from Neil Wood after he had broke it in....is NW the ringmaster, is he a paddophile pimp ????
Splinter would like to point out the above investigation does not included the padding Phil Patton’s puts in his Y fronts to impress the young mums at the school gate or the Strap-On Richard Stothard is so fond of receiving from his latest beau.
Talks for FC Loco to move the home games to
Splinter can exclusively reveal that FC Loco played a major part in the departure of Mourinhos departure from Chelsea…..a court case has been on going for some weeks now over the use of the managerial nickname “The Special One” Jose used this phrase when joining Chelsea in June 2004 yet Neil Castle has disputed his right to use the nickname as everyone knows he is “The Special Needs one “, and as the court heard on Wednesday Neil has been known as a Special Needs Case since the early 70’s so the blatant kidnapping of the nickname by Jose left Chelsea football club and it’s chairman open to a very hefty litigation case which could have resulted in a settlement running into pounds and the only solution was to get rid of the impostor.
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH10/9/2007
Welcome to my second set of observations and lies ,Claims Direct have reported after studying hours of video tape of Steve Baker running 100 meters it has actually been discovered he is faster now than he was 15 years ago, he recently set a personal best for the 100 meters of 10.40………. ten minutes forty seconds.
Following John Terry’s lead of cutting a hole in his boot to let his little toe stick out Richard Stothard is thinking of doing the same and is now in search of boots that will go with his fluorescent pink nail varnish .
Neil Castle’s exploits in goal in the 8 -2 defeat against Grimsby Warriors had agents rushing to sign him , not for a football team but to star in the sequel to Dodgeball , not since the epic 2004 movie staring Ben Stiller has anyone managed to dive out of the way of a ball so successfully and so consistently .
Scandal hit Immingham last week when Dan Lammin became a father , it has been discovered the baby was conceived and delivered while both parents where in the same steady relationship….with each other , Social Services are checking records for the last time a monogamous relationship lasted that long in Immingham.
Normality in Immingham resumed when social service where called to keep an eye on Dan’s offspring after reports of the number of clangers Dan dropped in the centre of defence lead to fears of Dan holding said baby for anything longer than 10 seconds which is about how long he can control a ball.
Daz Cousins proudly showed off his slimmer physique as a result of slimming patches by strolling up and down the wing for photos and proudly striking a pose every time the ball was passed to him.
Jamie Hynes was heard to mutter in the Warriors defeat he had no idea there was any other wing than Kentucky Chicken Wings when moved from right back further up the line to replace Jono Lister.
Which set a new record for any team in England when Loco claimed they had played right wingers in the same match with a combined waistline bigger than the average roundabout.
At the next match there will be a collection to buy a Paul Codd some WD40 for his shoulder joint and some contact lenses , after his refusal to raise his flag claiming the tall skinning lad on the far side played everyone on side….the tall skinning lad turned out to be a silver birch level with the penalty area .
Two noticeable absentees from the touch line this week where Shotty and Pete Cowan ….it is suspected Shotty was out shopping for a present for Dan’s baby , and Pete Cowan was out looking for his dummy he so spectacularly spit out so he could sell it to Shotty as a present for Dan’s baby.
Bro idol is soon to hit our screens with brothers pairing up to claim votes for tricks , stunts and good old fashion entertainment flair.
The first Brothers to stake a claim is the Listers for their disappearing act in the middle of the field for the last 15 minutes of the Warriors defeat and then the excellent use of Teflon and diversionary tactics to make sure none of the blame was attached to them …………….it beat hands down the Castles attempts at a ballet duo as Neil skipped about the area while Keith was pirouetting up front with his usual delicate manner.
SPLINTER FROM THE SUBS BENCH3/9/2007
Welcome to Splinter from the subs Bench which may become a monthly/bi monthly /when ever I can be arsed to write it look at the funnier /slanderous/and down right lies that is observed in around the changing room , touchline and pub. My identity will remain unknown to ensure that you get the truth.
Firstly I have the sad news that Claims Direct have advised us that there is no grounds for a case against Immingham council in regard to the asbestos substance found in Rovel Drives changing rooms being responsible for the grotesque swelling to both Keith Castle's and Jono Lister's stomachs.
On a brighter note they are looking into the possibility of linking the asbestos to Steve Bakers sudden loss of pace.
Neil Castle again had difficulties relaying his revolutionary tactics to the mere mortals of the team due to his failure to grasp the basic English that is the main language of FC Loco, One such example overheard in this weeks team talk was "let me introduce Nick and Socko both signed as emergency cover only please make them feel welcome" "right team for today Nick and Socko are in and Aidy Dent your dropped".
Luckily for Aidy he was back in the team before kick off when Richard Stothard realised the oppositions shirts clashed with his toe nail varnish and limped off during the warm up in search of a manicurist .
All the lads at loco are wishing John Hill a speedy recovery from his cracked ribs , especially after Neil Castle showed it is actually possible to dive for the ball slower than old slow hands Hill himself. It was also noticed that the goal keeper shirt Neil squeezed himself into(and it was a tight squeeze) had no number 1 on the back, it was suggested it had actually slipped off in sympathy with all the balls that slipped through Neil's hands.
The pitfalls off too many strappings was demonstrated this week when perennial substitute one L Stolworthy skipped on to the pitch with his customary array of strapping that make him walk like he has just got off a horse , and the resulting bow legedness resulted in a classic nutmeg much to the delight of the opposition, half his own team and the roars of laughter from the vast crowd of spectators.
The oddest site of the week was Shotty parading around the pitch in blue overalls , with clip on attachments like googles and radio mike, it was at first thought Shotty had hot footed it from work but then on examination of his signing on form showed an Immingham postcode so work was ruled out, so why was Shotty dressed as he was? had he been to a fancy dress party as "Shunter Man" or was he moonlighting as a industrial manicurist and been called out to sort out the Stothards nails?
As soon as i have more inside information, you will be the first to know.......